Good morning,
I am finding that being a single parent is lonely. My kids are the best and have brought me lots of joy and I couldn't be more proud but they now have their own lives. I don't know how to be anything but a mom and hard worker. I guess when I get in a relationship I want to become a mother to the person and that is why I should probably just stay single the rest of my life. I have a soft heart which is easily taken advantage of. If love finds me the man has to be financially stable. Not rich because I don't expect diamonds, trips or big house. I don't think I would be happy with a man making a lot of money. I don't know I guess I just want someone I can trust, depend on and wants to cuddle and hold hands. I just want to find someone that likes the simple pleasures in life. Like going to wine festivals, movies every now and then, take walks, drives in the country, spend time with family members. Someone that is going to make me feel like the only girl in the world. I need attention and will give attention back. I will not settle for someone that doesn't want to be scene with me all the time. (I know scene is suppose to be seen). I have been trying to figure out something for 2 years and going crazy trying to figure it out. Kevin, my youngest son, is taking a bow in his yearbook. You know the senior superlatives. Well he wasn't in drama and the girl was big into drama. Also the night of the awards, he got a scholarship from VSB and the gentleman said that Kevin was going to change the world. He changed my world cause he made my family complete, 2 boys and 2 girls. You see Kevin was a surprise. I was almost 5 months pregnant before I realized my belly was growing. Amanda was still a baby herself and we had just moved into a new house and I had just started with the preschool. I thought I was just tired cause of all of this. When they told me I was having a little boy I was so excited. I don't want Kevin to know this cause he is loved just as much as the rest even though he wasn't planned. What is ironic is that I wasn't planned either. Kevin and I are the youngest of the family. My mom wanted a boy got another girl. She cried at first but back then the loaded them up on meds to deliver so I never held it against my mom. I know she loved me. I do have lots to be thankful for. I know I don't act like it sometimes. I just sometimes feel like in the Katy Perry song Firework "buried 6 foot deep and no one hears a thing." Another thing I do is worry about everything and everyone. I can't help it. It is in my DNA. I worry that Kevin won't get the financial aid he needs. I guess another loan won't break me but I worry that they will say no you already have loans. I guess if I get turned down I could go to Henry's millionaire brother. He may not like me but he shouldn't turn his back on his nephew. He would rather see me and Henry live on the streets. I wouldn't expect him to hand Kevin the money without him paying the loan back but he is so stingy with his money. I would live on the streets before I would take a penny from him.
Edwin McCain I will be is playing. I will post it. Now U2 beautiful day. It is my ring tone. My daughter Heather gave me the idea. I am going to try to have a beautiful day and when I get down I will remember all the good things in my life and remember that I am a survivor and don't want to go back to that dark spot. I will not let the devil take me down. He doesn't want me happy and tried to destroy me more then once. I will be the winner and come out on top. Peace to all.
Linda
Quote of the day "Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use." -- Charles Schultz
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Day 11 07 Jun 11
Good morning,
I didn't sleep very well and can't move on. I know that I can't change the past. I just need to learn from it. We have all made our share of mistakes. No one is perfect. Everyone is someone and God doesn't make junk. I know I need to love myself before I can expect the love of another man. I also need to learn to trust again. I am working on both of these but it is taken time. I have forgiven those that have hurt me and turned their backs on me. I know I need to forgive myself for falling 2 years ago. I don't want to go back to that place. It was not a happy place like some of the people thought. Some acted like it was a big party and I could tell that they wanted to stay there forever. I have to get ready for work. I hope you have a blessed day. I will be OK. I have to be because I have only me to depend on me. I have bills to pay and family and friends to love and be there for. I know that some of my friends will be there for me when needed.
Blessings,
Linda
Quote of the day "Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them." Abraham Lincoln
I didn't sleep very well and can't move on. I know that I can't change the past. I just need to learn from it. We have all made our share of mistakes. No one is perfect. Everyone is someone and God doesn't make junk. I know I need to love myself before I can expect the love of another man. I also need to learn to trust again. I am working on both of these but it is taken time. I have forgiven those that have hurt me and turned their backs on me. I know I need to forgive myself for falling 2 years ago. I don't want to go back to that place. It was not a happy place like some of the people thought. Some acted like it was a big party and I could tell that they wanted to stay there forever. I have to get ready for work. I hope you have a blessed day. I will be OK. I have to be because I have only me to depend on me. I have bills to pay and family and friends to love and be there for. I know that some of my friends will be there for me when needed.
Blessings,
Linda
Quote of the day "Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them." Abraham Lincoln
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day 10 06 Jun 11
Good morning,
It is not always easy walking in my shoes but when I get down and feel lonely I just remember those that have no one to lean on or to love. I wish and dream for love but I won't be taken advantage of again. I believe in 50-50 in a relationship and keeping it real but doesn't that mean for both parties? Yeah guys tell me that or that they will pay it all but then they find out I work for the Government and/or see the car I ride and cha ching they think MONEY. I make a descent living but I will not hook up with a gold digging guy again. If I find love, I want someone who pays there on bills on time, can take me to dinner once in a while (I will gladly pay my own), maybe dancing and movies once in while. I mostly just enjoy being at home watching TV or reading. I am a homebody. MAF seemed to be happy that we found each again after all these years and he used to go out Karoking just cause he was lonely and I thought that he wanted me around all the time. OK I was afraid that if he went out at night with out me that he was running around. I want to trust again and I know if I can't trust I shouldn't be in a relationship. He is the football star of FR and all the women in town just fall over him. Me I am someone who can go out and have no one even know who I am. I am the one that could be in a big crowd and walk away for hours and no one even notice I am gone. I have proved this before when I was married. There was a holiday function at Shen. Valley CC with the company my ex worked for. He was in upper management and very popular and everyone just loved him, Who could blame them, he gave them time and attention. Anyway I would walk around the room with him but never could join in any conversations cause either they were talking about work or just talking about things that I didn't know about and even if I tried to speak, it was like no one could even hear me. Like the song from Katy Perry Firework ( oh and now Taylor Swift "You belong with me is playing") OK I will post this video so you can see that I am in love (I know i shouldn' be) with a former football star and he now coaches for the wildcats and I was to be the one in the stands cheering him and the Wildcats on. Please don't think I am crazy. MAF was good to me. He just never ever got a relationship right and I thought I would have been the one. I still am hoping. More on that later. I need to get back to the feeling that I could just disappear. Anyway this was the last time that Henry and I went to a function for where he works (he had just found out he had crohns). No one was talking to me and Henry was so wrapped up with everyone else that I just slipped away and went outside. No coat and it was Christmas time. I just walked around outside for about 1.5 hours. I finally was so cold that I couldn't take it. I went inside and went in the bathroom and sat in a stall for about 15 - 20 minutes to warm up. Walked back inside the room and do you know that not one person even missed me. Talk about wishing I could have just dropped of this earth. My own husband didn't even miss me. I felt like the biggest loser and just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but thought no one will hear me anyway. I never told him about this. I knew that he was absorbed in self pity on himself for Chrohns. That is why I wished it had of been me cause I could have handled it better then him and according to him all I did was take care of the house and kids and who would want someone with 4 kids and no job. I know deep down he didn't mean anything by it but it hurt and I don't think he realized how much he had hurt me. I did work. If you look at my fb account it will show you. Up until I started working in NO VA I didn't make a lot of money. Guys and girls too need to know that mental abuse is far worse then physical abuse cause. Cuts and bruises heal over time but words cut straight through the heart and scare for life. I know that I should have spoken up when my ex cut me down. I really don't think he knew he was hurting me and I never was scared that he would hit me. He is a good man and I hate myself for not speaking up. He just worked so hard and long that when he would come home from work he would be tired and I guess I should have just let him alone and instead I would try to talk to him and I guess I would say things to make him talk down to me. He knows he hurt me and I just wish he knew that I hate that our marriage fell apart and I know that we both are to blame. I used to blame just me but it takes two to make a relationship and two to make it fall apart.
I need love. I don't mean love of my family and pets. I need a love of a man. I have so much love inside of me just slowly dying. I want to love and trust again. MAF told me he was always faithful. I want to believe him but I don't. I have run into too many scammers and scary people on dating sites. Plus I have wasted a lot of money. I am not having any luck with Plenty of Fish. Maybe I need to redo my profile or maybe there are just too many women out there that have more to offer then me. I just wish I knew what my competition is how many women versus men there are.
Thanks for reading and comments either good or bad are always appreciated and welcome. Questions too are welcomed to.
Peace be with you,
Linda
Oh and I know you are probably thinking that people think that i am a gold digger and I have men that gold dig to me. Go figure. What a crazy life I live. If I were to write a book it would be a sleeper for sure.
Quote of the day "There is nothing so stable as change." Bob Dylan
It is not always easy walking in my shoes but when I get down and feel lonely I just remember those that have no one to lean on or to love. I wish and dream for love but I won't be taken advantage of again. I believe in 50-50 in a relationship and keeping it real but doesn't that mean for both parties? Yeah guys tell me that or that they will pay it all but then they find out I work for the Government and/or see the car I ride and cha ching they think MONEY. I make a descent living but I will not hook up with a gold digging guy again. If I find love, I want someone who pays there on bills on time, can take me to dinner once in a while (I will gladly pay my own), maybe dancing and movies once in while. I mostly just enjoy being at home watching TV or reading. I am a homebody. MAF seemed to be happy that we found each again after all these years and he used to go out Karoking just cause he was lonely and I thought that he wanted me around all the time. OK I was afraid that if he went out at night with out me that he was running around. I want to trust again and I know if I can't trust I shouldn't be in a relationship. He is the football star of FR and all the women in town just fall over him. Me I am someone who can go out and have no one even know who I am. I am the one that could be in a big crowd and walk away for hours and no one even notice I am gone. I have proved this before when I was married. There was a holiday function at Shen. Valley CC with the company my ex worked for. He was in upper management and very popular and everyone just loved him, Who could blame them, he gave them time and attention. Anyway I would walk around the room with him but never could join in any conversations cause either they were talking about work or just talking about things that I didn't know about and even if I tried to speak, it was like no one could even hear me. Like the song from Katy Perry Firework ( oh and now Taylor Swift "You belong with me is playing") OK I will post this video so you can see that I am in love (I know i shouldn' be) with a former football star and he now coaches for the wildcats and I was to be the one in the stands cheering him and the Wildcats on. Please don't think I am crazy. MAF was good to me. He just never ever got a relationship right and I thought I would have been the one. I still am hoping. More on that later. I need to get back to the feeling that I could just disappear. Anyway this was the last time that Henry and I went to a function for where he works (he had just found out he had crohns). No one was talking to me and Henry was so wrapped up with everyone else that I just slipped away and went outside. No coat and it was Christmas time. I just walked around outside for about 1.5 hours. I finally was so cold that I couldn't take it. I went inside and went in the bathroom and sat in a stall for about 15 - 20 minutes to warm up. Walked back inside the room and do you know that not one person even missed me. Talk about wishing I could have just dropped of this earth. My own husband didn't even miss me. I felt like the biggest loser and just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but thought no one will hear me anyway. I never told him about this. I knew that he was absorbed in self pity on himself for Chrohns. That is why I wished it had of been me cause I could have handled it better then him and according to him all I did was take care of the house and kids and who would want someone with 4 kids and no job. I know deep down he didn't mean anything by it but it hurt and I don't think he realized how much he had hurt me. I did work. If you look at my fb account it will show you. Up until I started working in NO VA I didn't make a lot of money. Guys and girls too need to know that mental abuse is far worse then physical abuse cause. Cuts and bruises heal over time but words cut straight through the heart and scare for life. I know that I should have spoken up when my ex cut me down. I really don't think he knew he was hurting me and I never was scared that he would hit me. He is a good man and I hate myself for not speaking up. He just worked so hard and long that when he would come home from work he would be tired and I guess I should have just let him alone and instead I would try to talk to him and I guess I would say things to make him talk down to me. He knows he hurt me and I just wish he knew that I hate that our marriage fell apart and I know that we both are to blame. I used to blame just me but it takes two to make a relationship and two to make it fall apart.
I need love. I don't mean love of my family and pets. I need a love of a man. I have so much love inside of me just slowly dying. I want to love and trust again. MAF told me he was always faithful. I want to believe him but I don't. I have run into too many scammers and scary people on dating sites. Plus I have wasted a lot of money. I am not having any luck with Plenty of Fish. Maybe I need to redo my profile or maybe there are just too many women out there that have more to offer then me. I just wish I knew what my competition is how many women versus men there are.
Thanks for reading and comments either good or bad are always appreciated and welcome. Questions too are welcomed to.
Peace be with you,
Linda
Oh and I know you are probably thinking that people think that i am a gold digger and I have men that gold dig to me. Go figure. What a crazy life I live. If I were to write a book it would be a sleeper for sure.
Quote of the day "There is nothing so stable as change." Bob Dylan
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Day 8 - 05 Jun 11
Good morning,
I am starting this with a song and a quote. More to come later. I have lots to do and my goal is to get it done. Starting all over again isn't always easy to do but sometimes it is the only way.
Blessings,
Linda
This is a different version then I have on FB. Heard Hootie and the Blowfish " Only Want to Be with you" and They Fray and now Madonna "Lucky Star". Ok I feel like the radio (WINC FM) is playin songs for me and trying to tell me something. Ok call me crazy. I have been called that and more. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words they hurt but I am learning not to care. It only took me 49 years to figure that out. lol
Quote of the day - "Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?" Benjamin Franklin
I am starting this with a song and a quote. More to come later. I have lots to do and my goal is to get it done. Starting all over again isn't always easy to do but sometimes it is the only way.
Blessings,
Linda
This is a different version then I have on FB. Heard Hootie and the Blowfish " Only Want to Be with you" and They Fray and now Madonna "Lucky Star". Ok I feel like the radio (WINC FM) is playin songs for me and trying to tell me something. Ok call me crazy. I have been called that and more. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words they hurt but I am learning not to care. It only took me 49 years to figure that out. lol
Quote of the day - "Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?" Benjamin Franklin
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Day 7 04 Jun 11
Well I have almost made it through the day without crying or feeling hopeless and useless. I know I am somebody and so is everyone. He reminds me when he calls me that I am not junk that GOD doesn't make junk. Why do I beat myself up. Maybe cause I am not use to someone believing in me. My exhusband is great father and was a good provider but he didn't give me what I need most. Time and attention. Neither cost him a penny. I was most times like a single parent. He worked to much and to hard most times. I know that he thought he was doing what was best for the family. It was hard going to school functions or things around town and have people say where is Henry? I thought when we moved back to front royal in 2001 that things would get better for us. I know that working in management in Strasburg and a lot of the employees having kids our age and well let's just say small town shit. Well it didn't get better and he was diagnosed with Chrohns in 2004. I wish it would have been me that got it. I even told him that. I knew he was the bread winner and most jobs I ever had up to that point didn't make enough money for even me to survive on. He ended up losing his job that he worked so hard to get. He moved up in the company and got his BS from Averett University. How can a company turn their back on a hard working employee that gave them 25 years of dedicated service. Anyway when he lost his job he lost his faith and confidence. I did what I could to help. Went to work fulltime but with the cost of healthcare it just wasn't enough. to make a long story short. Our marriage fell apart in 2007. No one can say that I was only after Henry's money because if that was the case I would have divorced him in 2005. His health is much better and he knows that I gave him a couple of chances. He knows he needs to give his girlfriend time and attn. He is doing a great job of it. OK I am a little jealous but wouldn't take him back even if they broke up. But a good note is that we are really good friends and that is a good thing. No one can have to many friends.
Anyway 2 years ago was not a good day for me. Let's just say I had to fall hard and had to take a mini vacation to a local spot and work my way back home. I almost missed Kevin's graduation because of this and I am trying hard to forgive myself for this. I just wish someone would have recorded his graduation. I mean I was there but so tired and I felt like an angel looking down on his graduation.
My kids are my world and never thought I would end up being a single parent for real. I miss having someone to love. I know I can do it on my own but it is really hard for me. I can wish, hope, dream and want really bad but love doesn't pay the bills. MAF knows that he can't give me what I need. He still cares about me and me him. Once in my LIFE always in my LIFE. You can turn your back and walk away from me but that isn't me. I will be there always for him and my exhusband.
Blessings,
Linda
This video The Climb means a lot to me. I am still climbing and sometimes stumble and fall but get back up. When i was on my mini vacation is when I first saw this video (Kevin told me to treat it like one and I felt bad cause I told him a vacation from HELL. The meds were having me talk that way) He was just trying to make me feel better. It had to be hard on him finishing up his senior year and I wasn't there for him.
Quote of the day "Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing, that we see too late the one that is open." -- Alexander Graham Bell
Anyway 2 years ago was not a good day for me. Let's just say I had to fall hard and had to take a mini vacation to a local spot and work my way back home. I almost missed Kevin's graduation because of this and I am trying hard to forgive myself for this. I just wish someone would have recorded his graduation. I mean I was there but so tired and I felt like an angel looking down on his graduation.
My kids are my world and never thought I would end up being a single parent for real. I miss having someone to love. I know I can do it on my own but it is really hard for me. I can wish, hope, dream and want really bad but love doesn't pay the bills. MAF knows that he can't give me what I need. He still cares about me and me him. Once in my LIFE always in my LIFE. You can turn your back and walk away from me but that isn't me. I will be there always for him and my exhusband.
Blessings,
Linda
This video The Climb means a lot to me. I am still climbing and sometimes stumble and fall but get back up. When i was on my mini vacation is when I first saw this video (Kevin told me to treat it like one and I felt bad cause I told him a vacation from HELL. The meds were having me talk that way) He was just trying to make me feel better. It had to be hard on him finishing up his senior year and I wasn't there for him.
Quote of the day "Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing, that we see too late the one that is open." -- Alexander Graham Bell
Friday, June 3, 2011
Day 6 - 03 Jun 11
Good morning,
Today is a hard day for me cause today would have been my mom and dad's 60th anniversary. They had the love for each other that few acheive. (Kings of Leon is playing, I love this song, But like Kevin would say I love all songs. lol) Sorry got off track. Happens a lot and well MAF couldn't handle me and I think that I took him by surprise when I walked out of his LIFE. I mean the great football jock from HS I don't think was used to someone doing that. Ha ha I showed him. I don't know I would take him back even if he came to me and said I really did win that money. You see he had gotten a check in the mail. It looked real but we were both suspicious. It look like a company check but my concerns even though it was from Disney. Was 1. check was from one state but it was mailed from Canada and 2 there was no disclosure. I was hoping for his sake that it was real cause he needed the money to save his house. Do you know that he was so sweet and told me I could have half the money and buy what I want. I told him that he needed to do the right thing and put the money towards his house. I was very touched that he said it. I felt terrible that it was a scam. He took the check to his bank and had them check it out. Some would think that I felt terrible because it meant no money for me. That is so not true. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I AM A GOLD DIGGER! I am not. If I were to win a lot of money I would after I pay off my kids college loans, and pay back my dad and put a little in the bank for me, would share with family and my close friends and give to charities. The charities I would pick would be the Laurel Center, Blue Ridge Hospice, Salvation Army, Blue Ridge Area food bank, and March of Dimes.
Ok I am Ok and as long as I make enough money to pay my bills, get my pedis, and have a little fun every now and then I will be OK.
Anyway it is 5 am and I want to try to get to work earlier today. Peace be with you! Linda
Quote of the day "Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Hero by Enrique Inglesis is playing ( I know I didn't spell his name right but I am not streaming).
Today is a hard day for me cause today would have been my mom and dad's 60th anniversary. They had the love for each other that few acheive. (Kings of Leon is playing, I love this song, But like Kevin would say I love all songs. lol) Sorry got off track. Happens a lot and well MAF couldn't handle me and I think that I took him by surprise when I walked out of his LIFE. I mean the great football jock from HS I don't think was used to someone doing that. Ha ha I showed him. I don't know I would take him back even if he came to me and said I really did win that money. You see he had gotten a check in the mail. It looked real but we were both suspicious. It look like a company check but my concerns even though it was from Disney. Was 1. check was from one state but it was mailed from Canada and 2 there was no disclosure. I was hoping for his sake that it was real cause he needed the money to save his house. Do you know that he was so sweet and told me I could have half the money and buy what I want. I told him that he needed to do the right thing and put the money towards his house. I was very touched that he said it. I felt terrible that it was a scam. He took the check to his bank and had them check it out. Some would think that I felt terrible because it meant no money for me. That is so not true. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I AM A GOLD DIGGER! I am not. If I were to win a lot of money I would after I pay off my kids college loans, and pay back my dad and put a little in the bank for me, would share with family and my close friends and give to charities. The charities I would pick would be the Laurel Center, Blue Ridge Hospice, Salvation Army, Blue Ridge Area food bank, and March of Dimes.
Ok I am Ok and as long as I make enough money to pay my bills, get my pedis, and have a little fun every now and then I will be OK.
Anyway it is 5 am and I want to try to get to work earlier today. Peace be with you! Linda
Quote of the day "Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Hero by Enrique Inglesis is playing ( I know I didn't spell his name right but I am not streaming).
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