Good morning,
Well I did it. I signed up for Match.com. So far I have been winked at from men from FL, GA, KY, TX, IL, NY, and OH. I can not and will not date someone that far away. I will not get discourage but a guy telling me he will relocate and doesn't even know me. I am not stupid and won't fall for that line again. I have blocked some profiles. I may not find anyone but will give it this one more time. I won't settle for second best. I deserve the best and if he is out there he will find me and if not I am learning to be happy with just me. I am a good person and will treat him with love and respect but I expect the same back. It has to be 50-50. I am not looking for someone to pay my bills. I am capable of that and I will not pay his bills either. I will not let them know where I work. For some reason some guys think that I make a lot of money or have access to the best doctors cause of where I work. They just think I do accounting and I will not let them know where I work unless I think it is for real. I am going to continue to hold my head up high. I may fall sometimes and get down and feel like what's the use but when I get like that, I look at my kids pictures and realize how truly blessed I am. They are all healthy and make me proud of what they have accomplished and what they will accomplished in their lives. Not many families can say that all of their kids have gone to college. I will have 2 teachers and 2 engineers once Amanda and Kevin finish. Amanda is on the last leg. She will student teach this fall and finish her classes for her masters. Did I mention how proud I am of each of my children. They are the light of my LIFE and when one is hurting or sad so am I. I miss having Heather close by. She has been my rock and gave me the courage to move on with my LIFE. I miss having all my kids close by but Life moves on. I don't like parents who have their favorites and they make it obvious. If anyone thinks I favor any of my kids then they don't know me very well. I may at one time talk about one more then another but that is because they are doing something special at the time. I talk about all my kids all the time. I work with 2 ladies that have not had children. I can tell they would have been good mothers but it wasn't in the cards for them but they are happy with their lives. I couldn't imagine not having kids.
God bless you and have a great day!
Linda
Quote of the day "A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be." Albert Einstein
I picked lady gaga cause I love her songs and would love to meet her if I had a pick of someone to meet.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Day 17 13 Jun 11
Good afternoon,
The trip to Philadelphia was a success. Got Kevin all moved in. The trip up and back with his dad was good. It felt good to be able to ride up and back with him and not feel like I wanted to be anywhere but there. This am I was busy posting pics and spending sometime with one of my sisters and her family before she left for NC. The next 2 weeks it will just be me and Oreo and Cindy Lou. I am looking forward to some time to myself. Well that is all I have for today.
Peace today and always!
Linda
Quote of the day "A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" Albert Einstein
The trip to Philadelphia was a success. Got Kevin all moved in. The trip up and back with his dad was good. It felt good to be able to ride up and back with him and not feel like I wanted to be anywhere but there. This am I was busy posting pics and spending sometime with one of my sisters and her family before she left for NC. The next 2 weeks it will just be me and Oreo and Cindy Lou. I am looking forward to some time to myself. Well that is all I have for today.
Peace today and always!
Linda
Quote of the day "A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" Albert Einstein
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Day 16 12 Jun 11
Good morning,
I am looking forward to the trip to Philadelphia today with Kevin, his girlfriend Katie and his dad. I will miss him but what an awesome opportunity he has. The next 2 weeks will be good for me cause my dad will be at my brother's house in Ohio and Kevin will be in Phillie and I will have the house to myself. I need to look at this has a time to find me and get some things done around here. I deserve to smile and be happy. Leona Lewis is playing "Better In time." Everyone deserves to smile and be happy. Only me can make me happy and I thought I had to have man in my life to be complete but I know I don't. I need to realize it is better to be alone then to be with someone who only wants you part of the time. I need time and attention and if someone out there is made to be with me then God will have to show me the way. I realize I can't rush it. I realize I also fall in love easy but have learned that I need to just take time and enjoy life. The fact that I can now ride places with my exhusband and not feel like running away when he is near is great progress for me. He is a good person, a great father and someone I know I can trust and depend on to be there for me if needed. No one can have to many friends but how many of them can you really depend on to be there if needed. Facebook has been good for me to find past friends and make new friends. I am going to keep my head held high and be the best that I can be and realize that even though I have my share of mistakes that so has everyone out there. No one is perfect and everyone has drama in their life. If someone can claim that they have led a perfect life with no regrets or mistakes then send them my way so I can bow down to them. I just had a nice conversation with my daughter Heather and she told me I will be a great catch and I think I may need to do a paid dating site and to not rush it.
Blessings,
Linda
Funny Quote of the day "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." Josh Billings
I am looking forward to the trip to Philadelphia today with Kevin, his girlfriend Katie and his dad. I will miss him but what an awesome opportunity he has. The next 2 weeks will be good for me cause my dad will be at my brother's house in Ohio and Kevin will be in Phillie and I will have the house to myself. I need to look at this has a time to find me and get some things done around here. I deserve to smile and be happy. Leona Lewis is playing "Better In time." Everyone deserves to smile and be happy. Only me can make me happy and I thought I had to have man in my life to be complete but I know I don't. I need to realize it is better to be alone then to be with someone who only wants you part of the time. I need time and attention and if someone out there is made to be with me then God will have to show me the way. I realize I can't rush it. I realize I also fall in love easy but have learned that I need to just take time and enjoy life. The fact that I can now ride places with my exhusband and not feel like running away when he is near is great progress for me. He is a good person, a great father and someone I know I can trust and depend on to be there for me if needed. No one can have to many friends but how many of them can you really depend on to be there if needed. Facebook has been good for me to find past friends and make new friends. I am going to keep my head held high and be the best that I can be and realize that even though I have my share of mistakes that so has everyone out there. No one is perfect and everyone has drama in their life. If someone can claim that they have led a perfect life with no regrets or mistakes then send them my way so I can bow down to them. I just had a nice conversation with my daughter Heather and she told me I will be a great catch and I think I may need to do a paid dating site and to not rush it.
Blessings,
Linda
Funny Quote of the day "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." Josh Billings
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Day 15 - 11 Jun 11
Good morning,
Going to have a good day with family. I have lots to do so I am going to make short and sweet. I need to keep searching for happiness. I need to forgive and move on. I am really trying but I don't think they realize how much that they hurt me. I know I was the one to allow it to happen and have no one but myself to blame for it. I hope others out there don't fall like I have but I have a feeling there are more out there like me. I may add later today but right now I am going to help my daughter prepare food for today.
V/R,
Linda
Video - This song is upbeat and happy and makes me want to dance. I would like to find a man that wants to take me dancing. Doesn't have to be every week but just once in a while. It is hard to find one that wants to do that.
Quote of the day "You cannot do only one thing." Garrett Hardin
Going to have a good day with family. I have lots to do so I am going to make short and sweet. I need to keep searching for happiness. I need to forgive and move on. I am really trying but I don't think they realize how much that they hurt me. I know I was the one to allow it to happen and have no one but myself to blame for it. I hope others out there don't fall like I have but I have a feeling there are more out there like me. I may add later today but right now I am going to help my daughter prepare food for today.
V/R,
Linda
Video - This song is upbeat and happy and makes me want to dance. I would like to find a man that wants to take me dancing. Doesn't have to be every week but just once in a while. It is hard to find one that wants to do that.
Quote of the day "You cannot do only one thing." Garrett Hardin
Friday, June 10, 2011
Day 14 - 10 Jun 11
Good morning,
Day off and lots to do to get ready for tomorrow but I am glad to be busy. It helps me not to be lonely. My biggest problem is I don't know how to relax. I feel that I am being lazy if I decide to sleep in or not clean the house. I decided I am burned out on housework. I found a solution to this. I hired my youngest daughter Amanda to clean for my dad and I. She is someone I can trust and depend on. She needs some extra money to help her out this summer. She works for the Warren Co Park and Recs but due to her summer college schedule they aren't giving her very many hours. It is a win win for both of us. I hope it doesn't sound bad that I don't like to clean. I think the biggest problem I have is that it isn't necessarily that I don't like to clean I think it is because it isn't my house. That may sound bad and I am sorry. I just never thought I would end back her at my parents house once I moved out and got married in 1980. I am grateful that they took my 2 youngest and me in 3 years ago. I see alot of family members having to live together to make ends meet. I think it is great. I don't like when I want to run away from here. My parents have been good to me and I am thankful that I had them to fall back on. When Henry and I got married we both thought it was forver. Nothing last forever and we both made our share of mistakes. Who hasn't. Name one person who has not done something that later regreted I will bow down to them.
One thing I know is that I am so glad that Henry's health is better. No we can never get back together. We are good friends and that is all I would ever want. I know me. If we would get back together I would try to mother him again. I don't want that. I want a relationship that I can be a girlfriend and maybe eventually a wife but I don't want to be a mother.
Trust is something I am working on. I have had my kindness taken advantage off. I have learned the hard way and now I have walls built up around me and feel that everyone is out to take advantage of me. I give to charities but will not give to a man again. I do believe in 50-50 but when you find yourself paying more then half then that is when it is time to get out. People tell me that there is someone out there for me. It is hard to hear this from people that have love in their life. I don't mind hearing it from people like me that are single. I know people mean well but they aren't helping me when they do this. I don't like being single but I will hold my head up. Do the best that I can do everyday that I wake up. Realize that life isn't always fair and it is going to take someone special to capture my heart. I have learned the lines of guys that are only after making themselves happy. No bites yet on Plenty of Fish. I just wish i knew what my competition is. I may have to redo my profile. I will work on that but going to just enjoy me and learn to love me. I really don't want to do a paid dating site but may do again but only after I know that Kevin and Amanda's financial aid this year is covered.
Quote of the day "Change your thoughts and you change your world." -- Norman Vincent Peale
John Mayer "Waiting on the World to Change" this was my first ringtone. I miss having it.
Have a great day.
Linda
Day off and lots to do to get ready for tomorrow but I am glad to be busy. It helps me not to be lonely. My biggest problem is I don't know how to relax. I feel that I am being lazy if I decide to sleep in or not clean the house. I decided I am burned out on housework. I found a solution to this. I hired my youngest daughter Amanda to clean for my dad and I. She is someone I can trust and depend on. She needs some extra money to help her out this summer. She works for the Warren Co Park and Recs but due to her summer college schedule they aren't giving her very many hours. It is a win win for both of us. I hope it doesn't sound bad that I don't like to clean. I think the biggest problem I have is that it isn't necessarily that I don't like to clean I think it is because it isn't my house. That may sound bad and I am sorry. I just never thought I would end back her at my parents house once I moved out and got married in 1980. I am grateful that they took my 2 youngest and me in 3 years ago. I see alot of family members having to live together to make ends meet. I think it is great. I don't like when I want to run away from here. My parents have been good to me and I am thankful that I had them to fall back on. When Henry and I got married we both thought it was forver. Nothing last forever and we both made our share of mistakes. Who hasn't. Name one person who has not done something that later regreted I will bow down to them.
One thing I know is that I am so glad that Henry's health is better. No we can never get back together. We are good friends and that is all I would ever want. I know me. If we would get back together I would try to mother him again. I don't want that. I want a relationship that I can be a girlfriend and maybe eventually a wife but I don't want to be a mother.
Trust is something I am working on. I have had my kindness taken advantage off. I have learned the hard way and now I have walls built up around me and feel that everyone is out to take advantage of me. I give to charities but will not give to a man again. I do believe in 50-50 but when you find yourself paying more then half then that is when it is time to get out. People tell me that there is someone out there for me. It is hard to hear this from people that have love in their life. I don't mind hearing it from people like me that are single. I know people mean well but they aren't helping me when they do this. I don't like being single but I will hold my head up. Do the best that I can do everyday that I wake up. Realize that life isn't always fair and it is going to take someone special to capture my heart. I have learned the lines of guys that are only after making themselves happy. No bites yet on Plenty of Fish. I just wish i knew what my competition is. I may have to redo my profile. I will work on that but going to just enjoy me and learn to love me. I really don't want to do a paid dating site but may do again but only after I know that Kevin and Amanda's financial aid this year is covered.
Quote of the day "Change your thoughts and you change your world." -- Norman Vincent Peale
John Mayer "Waiting on the World to Change" this was my first ringtone. I miss having it.
Have a great day.
Linda
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Day 13 - 09 Jun 11
Good morning,
I overslept. I have a feelin' it is going to be one of those days but I am going to work on making it a good day. I just need to think of happy thoughts and laugh & smile when I just feel like crying. I know that some people have more cash, are prettier, younger, have a big house and fancy car and a man/woman to love them and I need to realize that just because I don't doesn't mean I am a loser. I am someone. I am a good person, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend to all, and hard worker. I am Miss Independent. Maybe the love bug will find me one day but for now I need to learn that being single isn't a disease. Sometimes it is a cure. I want to be in a relationship that I feel wanted and needed and vice versus. I can't make him feel the same way unless that is what he wants. Well have a good day. Thank you for reading.
Linda
Quote of the day: "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." Mark Twain
I overslept. I have a feelin' it is going to be one of those days but I am going to work on making it a good day. I just need to think of happy thoughts and laugh & smile when I just feel like crying. I know that some people have more cash, are prettier, younger, have a big house and fancy car and a man/woman to love them and I need to realize that just because I don't doesn't mean I am a loser. I am someone. I am a good person, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend to all, and hard worker. I am Miss Independent. Maybe the love bug will find me one day but for now I need to learn that being single isn't a disease. Sometimes it is a cure. I want to be in a relationship that I feel wanted and needed and vice versus. I can't make him feel the same way unless that is what he wants. Well have a good day. Thank you for reading.
Linda
Quote of the day: "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." Mark Twain
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Day 12 08 Jun 11
Good morning,
I am finding that being a single parent is lonely. My kids are the best and have brought me lots of joy and I couldn't be more proud but they now have their own lives. I don't know how to be anything but a mom and hard worker. I guess when I get in a relationship I want to become a mother to the person and that is why I should probably just stay single the rest of my life. I have a soft heart which is easily taken advantage of. If love finds me the man has to be financially stable. Not rich because I don't expect diamonds, trips or big house. I don't think I would be happy with a man making a lot of money. I don't know I guess I just want someone I can trust, depend on and wants to cuddle and hold hands. I just want to find someone that likes the simple pleasures in life. Like going to wine festivals, movies every now and then, take walks, drives in the country, spend time with family members. Someone that is going to make me feel like the only girl in the world. I need attention and will give attention back. I will not settle for someone that doesn't want to be scene with me all the time. (I know scene is suppose to be seen). I have been trying to figure out something for 2 years and going crazy trying to figure it out. Kevin, my youngest son, is taking a bow in his yearbook. You know the senior superlatives. Well he wasn't in drama and the girl was big into drama. Also the night of the awards, he got a scholarship from VSB and the gentleman said that Kevin was going to change the world. He changed my world cause he made my family complete, 2 boys and 2 girls. You see Kevin was a surprise. I was almost 5 months pregnant before I realized my belly was growing. Amanda was still a baby herself and we had just moved into a new house and I had just started with the preschool. I thought I was just tired cause of all of this. When they told me I was having a little boy I was so excited. I don't want Kevin to know this cause he is loved just as much as the rest even though he wasn't planned. What is ironic is that I wasn't planned either. Kevin and I are the youngest of the family. My mom wanted a boy got another girl. She cried at first but back then the loaded them up on meds to deliver so I never held it against my mom. I know she loved me. I do have lots to be thankful for. I know I don't act like it sometimes. I just sometimes feel like in the Katy Perry song Firework "buried 6 foot deep and no one hears a thing." Another thing I do is worry about everything and everyone. I can't help it. It is in my DNA. I worry that Kevin won't get the financial aid he needs. I guess another loan won't break me but I worry that they will say no you already have loans. I guess if I get turned down I could go to Henry's millionaire brother. He may not like me but he shouldn't turn his back on his nephew. He would rather see me and Henry live on the streets. I wouldn't expect him to hand Kevin the money without him paying the loan back but he is so stingy with his money. I would live on the streets before I would take a penny from him.
Edwin McCain I will be is playing. I will post it. Now U2 beautiful day. It is my ring tone. My daughter Heather gave me the idea. I am going to try to have a beautiful day and when I get down I will remember all the good things in my life and remember that I am a survivor and don't want to go back to that dark spot. I will not let the devil take me down. He doesn't want me happy and tried to destroy me more then once. I will be the winner and come out on top. Peace to all.
Linda
Quote of the day "Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use." -- Charles Schultz
I am finding that being a single parent is lonely. My kids are the best and have brought me lots of joy and I couldn't be more proud but they now have their own lives. I don't know how to be anything but a mom and hard worker. I guess when I get in a relationship I want to become a mother to the person and that is why I should probably just stay single the rest of my life. I have a soft heart which is easily taken advantage of. If love finds me the man has to be financially stable. Not rich because I don't expect diamonds, trips or big house. I don't think I would be happy with a man making a lot of money. I don't know I guess I just want someone I can trust, depend on and wants to cuddle and hold hands. I just want to find someone that likes the simple pleasures in life. Like going to wine festivals, movies every now and then, take walks, drives in the country, spend time with family members. Someone that is going to make me feel like the only girl in the world. I need attention and will give attention back. I will not settle for someone that doesn't want to be scene with me all the time. (I know scene is suppose to be seen). I have been trying to figure out something for 2 years and going crazy trying to figure it out. Kevin, my youngest son, is taking a bow in his yearbook. You know the senior superlatives. Well he wasn't in drama and the girl was big into drama. Also the night of the awards, he got a scholarship from VSB and the gentleman said that Kevin was going to change the world. He changed my world cause he made my family complete, 2 boys and 2 girls. You see Kevin was a surprise. I was almost 5 months pregnant before I realized my belly was growing. Amanda was still a baby herself and we had just moved into a new house and I had just started with the preschool. I thought I was just tired cause of all of this. When they told me I was having a little boy I was so excited. I don't want Kevin to know this cause he is loved just as much as the rest even though he wasn't planned. What is ironic is that I wasn't planned either. Kevin and I are the youngest of the family. My mom wanted a boy got another girl. She cried at first but back then the loaded them up on meds to deliver so I never held it against my mom. I know she loved me. I do have lots to be thankful for. I know I don't act like it sometimes. I just sometimes feel like in the Katy Perry song Firework "buried 6 foot deep and no one hears a thing." Another thing I do is worry about everything and everyone. I can't help it. It is in my DNA. I worry that Kevin won't get the financial aid he needs. I guess another loan won't break me but I worry that they will say no you already have loans. I guess if I get turned down I could go to Henry's millionaire brother. He may not like me but he shouldn't turn his back on his nephew. He would rather see me and Henry live on the streets. I wouldn't expect him to hand Kevin the money without him paying the loan back but he is so stingy with his money. I would live on the streets before I would take a penny from him.
Edwin McCain I will be is playing. I will post it. Now U2 beautiful day. It is my ring tone. My daughter Heather gave me the idea. I am going to try to have a beautiful day and when I get down I will remember all the good things in my life and remember that I am a survivor and don't want to go back to that dark spot. I will not let the devil take me down. He doesn't want me happy and tried to destroy me more then once. I will be the winner and come out on top. Peace to all.
Linda
Quote of the day "Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use." -- Charles Schultz
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Day 11 07 Jun 11
Good morning,
I didn't sleep very well and can't move on. I know that I can't change the past. I just need to learn from it. We have all made our share of mistakes. No one is perfect. Everyone is someone and God doesn't make junk. I know I need to love myself before I can expect the love of another man. I also need to learn to trust again. I am working on both of these but it is taken time. I have forgiven those that have hurt me and turned their backs on me. I know I need to forgive myself for falling 2 years ago. I don't want to go back to that place. It was not a happy place like some of the people thought. Some acted like it was a big party and I could tell that they wanted to stay there forever. I have to get ready for work. I hope you have a blessed day. I will be OK. I have to be because I have only me to depend on me. I have bills to pay and family and friends to love and be there for. I know that some of my friends will be there for me when needed.
Blessings,
Linda
Quote of the day "Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them." Abraham Lincoln
I didn't sleep very well and can't move on. I know that I can't change the past. I just need to learn from it. We have all made our share of mistakes. No one is perfect. Everyone is someone and God doesn't make junk. I know I need to love myself before I can expect the love of another man. I also need to learn to trust again. I am working on both of these but it is taken time. I have forgiven those that have hurt me and turned their backs on me. I know I need to forgive myself for falling 2 years ago. I don't want to go back to that place. It was not a happy place like some of the people thought. Some acted like it was a big party and I could tell that they wanted to stay there forever. I have to get ready for work. I hope you have a blessed day. I will be OK. I have to be because I have only me to depend on me. I have bills to pay and family and friends to love and be there for. I know that some of my friends will be there for me when needed.
Blessings,
Linda
Quote of the day "Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them." Abraham Lincoln
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day 10 06 Jun 11
Good morning,
It is not always easy walking in my shoes but when I get down and feel lonely I just remember those that have no one to lean on or to love. I wish and dream for love but I won't be taken advantage of again. I believe in 50-50 in a relationship and keeping it real but doesn't that mean for both parties? Yeah guys tell me that or that they will pay it all but then they find out I work for the Government and/or see the car I ride and cha ching they think MONEY. I make a descent living but I will not hook up with a gold digging guy again. If I find love, I want someone who pays there on bills on time, can take me to dinner once in a while (I will gladly pay my own), maybe dancing and movies once in while. I mostly just enjoy being at home watching TV or reading. I am a homebody. MAF seemed to be happy that we found each again after all these years and he used to go out Karoking just cause he was lonely and I thought that he wanted me around all the time. OK I was afraid that if he went out at night with out me that he was running around. I want to trust again and I know if I can't trust I shouldn't be in a relationship. He is the football star of FR and all the women in town just fall over him. Me I am someone who can go out and have no one even know who I am. I am the one that could be in a big crowd and walk away for hours and no one even notice I am gone. I have proved this before when I was married. There was a holiday function at Shen. Valley CC with the company my ex worked for. He was in upper management and very popular and everyone just loved him, Who could blame them, he gave them time and attention. Anyway I would walk around the room with him but never could join in any conversations cause either they were talking about work or just talking about things that I didn't know about and even if I tried to speak, it was like no one could even hear me. Like the song from Katy Perry Firework ( oh and now Taylor Swift "You belong with me is playing") OK I will post this video so you can see that I am in love (I know i shouldn' be) with a former football star and he now coaches for the wildcats and I was to be the one in the stands cheering him and the Wildcats on. Please don't think I am crazy. MAF was good to me. He just never ever got a relationship right and I thought I would have been the one. I still am hoping. More on that later. I need to get back to the feeling that I could just disappear. Anyway this was the last time that Henry and I went to a function for where he works (he had just found out he had crohns). No one was talking to me and Henry was so wrapped up with everyone else that I just slipped away and went outside. No coat and it was Christmas time. I just walked around outside for about 1.5 hours. I finally was so cold that I couldn't take it. I went inside and went in the bathroom and sat in a stall for about 15 - 20 minutes to warm up. Walked back inside the room and do you know that not one person even missed me. Talk about wishing I could have just dropped of this earth. My own husband didn't even miss me. I felt like the biggest loser and just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but thought no one will hear me anyway. I never told him about this. I knew that he was absorbed in self pity on himself for Chrohns. That is why I wished it had of been me cause I could have handled it better then him and according to him all I did was take care of the house and kids and who would want someone with 4 kids and no job. I know deep down he didn't mean anything by it but it hurt and I don't think he realized how much he had hurt me. I did work. If you look at my fb account it will show you. Up until I started working in NO VA I didn't make a lot of money. Guys and girls too need to know that mental abuse is far worse then physical abuse cause. Cuts and bruises heal over time but words cut straight through the heart and scare for life. I know that I should have spoken up when my ex cut me down. I really don't think he knew he was hurting me and I never was scared that he would hit me. He is a good man and I hate myself for not speaking up. He just worked so hard and long that when he would come home from work he would be tired and I guess I should have just let him alone and instead I would try to talk to him and I guess I would say things to make him talk down to me. He knows he hurt me and I just wish he knew that I hate that our marriage fell apart and I know that we both are to blame. I used to blame just me but it takes two to make a relationship and two to make it fall apart.
I need love. I don't mean love of my family and pets. I need a love of a man. I have so much love inside of me just slowly dying. I want to love and trust again. MAF told me he was always faithful. I want to believe him but I don't. I have run into too many scammers and scary people on dating sites. Plus I have wasted a lot of money. I am not having any luck with Plenty of Fish. Maybe I need to redo my profile or maybe there are just too many women out there that have more to offer then me. I just wish I knew what my competition is how many women versus men there are.
Thanks for reading and comments either good or bad are always appreciated and welcome. Questions too are welcomed to.
Peace be with you,
Linda
Oh and I know you are probably thinking that people think that i am a gold digger and I have men that gold dig to me. Go figure. What a crazy life I live. If I were to write a book it would be a sleeper for sure.
Quote of the day "There is nothing so stable as change." Bob Dylan
It is not always easy walking in my shoes but when I get down and feel lonely I just remember those that have no one to lean on or to love. I wish and dream for love but I won't be taken advantage of again. I believe in 50-50 in a relationship and keeping it real but doesn't that mean for both parties? Yeah guys tell me that or that they will pay it all but then they find out I work for the Government and/or see the car I ride and cha ching they think MONEY. I make a descent living but I will not hook up with a gold digging guy again. If I find love, I want someone who pays there on bills on time, can take me to dinner once in a while (I will gladly pay my own), maybe dancing and movies once in while. I mostly just enjoy being at home watching TV or reading. I am a homebody. MAF seemed to be happy that we found each again after all these years and he used to go out Karoking just cause he was lonely and I thought that he wanted me around all the time. OK I was afraid that if he went out at night with out me that he was running around. I want to trust again and I know if I can't trust I shouldn't be in a relationship. He is the football star of FR and all the women in town just fall over him. Me I am someone who can go out and have no one even know who I am. I am the one that could be in a big crowd and walk away for hours and no one even notice I am gone. I have proved this before when I was married. There was a holiday function at Shen. Valley CC with the company my ex worked for. He was in upper management and very popular and everyone just loved him, Who could blame them, he gave them time and attention. Anyway I would walk around the room with him but never could join in any conversations cause either they were talking about work or just talking about things that I didn't know about and even if I tried to speak, it was like no one could even hear me. Like the song from Katy Perry Firework ( oh and now Taylor Swift "You belong with me is playing") OK I will post this video so you can see that I am in love (I know i shouldn' be) with a former football star and he now coaches for the wildcats and I was to be the one in the stands cheering him and the Wildcats on. Please don't think I am crazy. MAF was good to me. He just never ever got a relationship right and I thought I would have been the one. I still am hoping. More on that later. I need to get back to the feeling that I could just disappear. Anyway this was the last time that Henry and I went to a function for where he works (he had just found out he had crohns). No one was talking to me and Henry was so wrapped up with everyone else that I just slipped away and went outside. No coat and it was Christmas time. I just walked around outside for about 1.5 hours. I finally was so cold that I couldn't take it. I went inside and went in the bathroom and sat in a stall for about 15 - 20 minutes to warm up. Walked back inside the room and do you know that not one person even missed me. Talk about wishing I could have just dropped of this earth. My own husband didn't even miss me. I felt like the biggest loser and just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but thought no one will hear me anyway. I never told him about this. I knew that he was absorbed in self pity on himself for Chrohns. That is why I wished it had of been me cause I could have handled it better then him and according to him all I did was take care of the house and kids and who would want someone with 4 kids and no job. I know deep down he didn't mean anything by it but it hurt and I don't think he realized how much he had hurt me. I did work. If you look at my fb account it will show you. Up until I started working in NO VA I didn't make a lot of money. Guys and girls too need to know that mental abuse is far worse then physical abuse cause. Cuts and bruises heal over time but words cut straight through the heart and scare for life. I know that I should have spoken up when my ex cut me down. I really don't think he knew he was hurting me and I never was scared that he would hit me. He is a good man and I hate myself for not speaking up. He just worked so hard and long that when he would come home from work he would be tired and I guess I should have just let him alone and instead I would try to talk to him and I guess I would say things to make him talk down to me. He knows he hurt me and I just wish he knew that I hate that our marriage fell apart and I know that we both are to blame. I used to blame just me but it takes two to make a relationship and two to make it fall apart.
I need love. I don't mean love of my family and pets. I need a love of a man. I have so much love inside of me just slowly dying. I want to love and trust again. MAF told me he was always faithful. I want to believe him but I don't. I have run into too many scammers and scary people on dating sites. Plus I have wasted a lot of money. I am not having any luck with Plenty of Fish. Maybe I need to redo my profile or maybe there are just too many women out there that have more to offer then me. I just wish I knew what my competition is how many women versus men there are.
Thanks for reading and comments either good or bad are always appreciated and welcome. Questions too are welcomed to.
Peace be with you,
Linda
Oh and I know you are probably thinking that people think that i am a gold digger and I have men that gold dig to me. Go figure. What a crazy life I live. If I were to write a book it would be a sleeper for sure.
Quote of the day "There is nothing so stable as change." Bob Dylan
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Day 8 - 05 Jun 11
Good morning,
I am starting this with a song and a quote. More to come later. I have lots to do and my goal is to get it done. Starting all over again isn't always easy to do but sometimes it is the only way.
Blessings,
Linda
This is a different version then I have on FB. Heard Hootie and the Blowfish " Only Want to Be with you" and They Fray and now Madonna "Lucky Star". Ok I feel like the radio (WINC FM) is playin songs for me and trying to tell me something. Ok call me crazy. I have been called that and more. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words they hurt but I am learning not to care. It only took me 49 years to figure that out. lol
Quote of the day - "Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?" Benjamin Franklin
I am starting this with a song and a quote. More to come later. I have lots to do and my goal is to get it done. Starting all over again isn't always easy to do but sometimes it is the only way.
Blessings,
Linda
This is a different version then I have on FB. Heard Hootie and the Blowfish " Only Want to Be with you" and They Fray and now Madonna "Lucky Star". Ok I feel like the radio (WINC FM) is playin songs for me and trying to tell me something. Ok call me crazy. I have been called that and more. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words they hurt but I am learning not to care. It only took me 49 years to figure that out. lol
Quote of the day - "Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?" Benjamin Franklin
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Day 7 04 Jun 11
Well I have almost made it through the day without crying or feeling hopeless and useless. I know I am somebody and so is everyone. He reminds me when he calls me that I am not junk that GOD doesn't make junk. Why do I beat myself up. Maybe cause I am not use to someone believing in me. My exhusband is great father and was a good provider but he didn't give me what I need most. Time and attention. Neither cost him a penny. I was most times like a single parent. He worked to much and to hard most times. I know that he thought he was doing what was best for the family. It was hard going to school functions or things around town and have people say where is Henry? I thought when we moved back to front royal in 2001 that things would get better for us. I know that working in management in Strasburg and a lot of the employees having kids our age and well let's just say small town shit. Well it didn't get better and he was diagnosed with Chrohns in 2004. I wish it would have been me that got it. I even told him that. I knew he was the bread winner and most jobs I ever had up to that point didn't make enough money for even me to survive on. He ended up losing his job that he worked so hard to get. He moved up in the company and got his BS from Averett University. How can a company turn their back on a hard working employee that gave them 25 years of dedicated service. Anyway when he lost his job he lost his faith and confidence. I did what I could to help. Went to work fulltime but with the cost of healthcare it just wasn't enough. to make a long story short. Our marriage fell apart in 2007. No one can say that I was only after Henry's money because if that was the case I would have divorced him in 2005. His health is much better and he knows that I gave him a couple of chances. He knows he needs to give his girlfriend time and attn. He is doing a great job of it. OK I am a little jealous but wouldn't take him back even if they broke up. But a good note is that we are really good friends and that is a good thing. No one can have to many friends.
Anyway 2 years ago was not a good day for me. Let's just say I had to fall hard and had to take a mini vacation to a local spot and work my way back home. I almost missed Kevin's graduation because of this and I am trying hard to forgive myself for this. I just wish someone would have recorded his graduation. I mean I was there but so tired and I felt like an angel looking down on his graduation.
My kids are my world and never thought I would end up being a single parent for real. I miss having someone to love. I know I can do it on my own but it is really hard for me. I can wish, hope, dream and want really bad but love doesn't pay the bills. MAF knows that he can't give me what I need. He still cares about me and me him. Once in my LIFE always in my LIFE. You can turn your back and walk away from me but that isn't me. I will be there always for him and my exhusband.
Blessings,
Linda
This video The Climb means a lot to me. I am still climbing and sometimes stumble and fall but get back up. When i was on my mini vacation is when I first saw this video (Kevin told me to treat it like one and I felt bad cause I told him a vacation from HELL. The meds were having me talk that way) He was just trying to make me feel better. It had to be hard on him finishing up his senior year and I wasn't there for him.
Quote of the day "Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing, that we see too late the one that is open." -- Alexander Graham Bell
Anyway 2 years ago was not a good day for me. Let's just say I had to fall hard and had to take a mini vacation to a local spot and work my way back home. I almost missed Kevin's graduation because of this and I am trying hard to forgive myself for this. I just wish someone would have recorded his graduation. I mean I was there but so tired and I felt like an angel looking down on his graduation.
My kids are my world and never thought I would end up being a single parent for real. I miss having someone to love. I know I can do it on my own but it is really hard for me. I can wish, hope, dream and want really bad but love doesn't pay the bills. MAF knows that he can't give me what I need. He still cares about me and me him. Once in my LIFE always in my LIFE. You can turn your back and walk away from me but that isn't me. I will be there always for him and my exhusband.
Blessings,
Linda
This video The Climb means a lot to me. I am still climbing and sometimes stumble and fall but get back up. When i was on my mini vacation is when I first saw this video (Kevin told me to treat it like one and I felt bad cause I told him a vacation from HELL. The meds were having me talk that way) He was just trying to make me feel better. It had to be hard on him finishing up his senior year and I wasn't there for him.
Quote of the day "Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing, that we see too late the one that is open." -- Alexander Graham Bell
Friday, June 3, 2011
Day 6 - 03 Jun 11
Good morning,
Today is a hard day for me cause today would have been my mom and dad's 60th anniversary. They had the love for each other that few acheive. (Kings of Leon is playing, I love this song, But like Kevin would say I love all songs. lol) Sorry got off track. Happens a lot and well MAF couldn't handle me and I think that I took him by surprise when I walked out of his LIFE. I mean the great football jock from HS I don't think was used to someone doing that. Ha ha I showed him. I don't know I would take him back even if he came to me and said I really did win that money. You see he had gotten a check in the mail. It looked real but we were both suspicious. It look like a company check but my concerns even though it was from Disney. Was 1. check was from one state but it was mailed from Canada and 2 there was no disclosure. I was hoping for his sake that it was real cause he needed the money to save his house. Do you know that he was so sweet and told me I could have half the money and buy what I want. I told him that he needed to do the right thing and put the money towards his house. I was very touched that he said it. I felt terrible that it was a scam. He took the check to his bank and had them check it out. Some would think that I felt terrible because it meant no money for me. That is so not true. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I AM A GOLD DIGGER! I am not. If I were to win a lot of money I would after I pay off my kids college loans, and pay back my dad and put a little in the bank for me, would share with family and my close friends and give to charities. The charities I would pick would be the Laurel Center, Blue Ridge Hospice, Salvation Army, Blue Ridge Area food bank, and March of Dimes.
Ok I am Ok and as long as I make enough money to pay my bills, get my pedis, and have a little fun every now and then I will be OK.
Anyway it is 5 am and I want to try to get to work earlier today. Peace be with you! Linda
Quote of the day "Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Hero by Enrique Inglesis is playing ( I know I didn't spell his name right but I am not streaming).
Today is a hard day for me cause today would have been my mom and dad's 60th anniversary. They had the love for each other that few acheive. (Kings of Leon is playing, I love this song, But like Kevin would say I love all songs. lol) Sorry got off track. Happens a lot and well MAF couldn't handle me and I think that I took him by surprise when I walked out of his LIFE. I mean the great football jock from HS I don't think was used to someone doing that. Ha ha I showed him. I don't know I would take him back even if he came to me and said I really did win that money. You see he had gotten a check in the mail. It looked real but we were both suspicious. It look like a company check but my concerns even though it was from Disney. Was 1. check was from one state but it was mailed from Canada and 2 there was no disclosure. I was hoping for his sake that it was real cause he needed the money to save his house. Do you know that he was so sweet and told me I could have half the money and buy what I want. I told him that he needed to do the right thing and put the money towards his house. I was very touched that he said it. I felt terrible that it was a scam. He took the check to his bank and had them check it out. Some would think that I felt terrible because it meant no money for me. That is so not true. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I AM A GOLD DIGGER! I am not. If I were to win a lot of money I would after I pay off my kids college loans, and pay back my dad and put a little in the bank for me, would share with family and my close friends and give to charities. The charities I would pick would be the Laurel Center, Blue Ridge Hospice, Salvation Army, Blue Ridge Area food bank, and March of Dimes.
Ok I am Ok and as long as I make enough money to pay my bills, get my pedis, and have a little fun every now and then I will be OK.
Anyway it is 5 am and I want to try to get to work earlier today. Peace be with you! Linda
Quote of the day "Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Hero by Enrique Inglesis is playing ( I know I didn't spell his name right but I am not streaming).
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Day 5 02 Jun 11
Good morning,
Not much going on in my LIFE. Life what does it mean to you? Well I am going to tell you what it used to stand for me but don't laugh. Well Ok go ahead and laugh. Before I tell you, Hootie and the Blowfish "Hold my hand" is playing on WINC. I am one of their biggest fans. I listen to them 24/7. Ok I do take breaks to do other things but you know what I mean. I have a radio in kitchen, car, bathroom, and bedroom and wink at work. I often feel like the songs are being played just for me. OK call me crazy. I have been told that before and that is another day and another story. Anyway my exboyfriend is Mr. MAF. We started dating on 20 Dec 08. I was separated and heading for divorce after the holidays. I think some of my famly members think that Mr. MAF caused the divorce. No he didn't. I was planning since 25 Nov 07 when I had Henry move out but had to wait a year since Kevin was still a minor. Well when 25 Nov 08 came around I thought Holidays are hard enough without having someone through divorce papers at you. I am not a mean person and am sensitive to peoples feelings unlike what some people might think. I was planning all along to file papers after the new year. I guess my kids weren't ready to hear in one conversation that i was dating a black man and filing for divorce. But what i don't understand, is when I called Brian (I started with him since he is he oldest) that he knew I was seeing a black man. I guess smalltown Front Royal. Anyway LIFE used to stand for L for Linda I for Irene F for Ford E for Everafter. I thought he wanted to marry me. We talked about it. People think I am to good for him. I am not to good for anyone but neither one of us is financially stable so if we get back together one of 2 things will happen. I will feel sorry and start paying for things I shouldn't or my family will lock me up. I know that is why they didn't want us together. I was paying for his bills and buying groceries, etc. I justified that I was semi living with him and needed to help. I was always justifying our relationship. I was the one that ended it after a year and half of ups and downs. He was good to me. I still love him and he says he still loves me but I know I got to move forward and not backwards and I tired him of me always beating up on myself. See I have very low self esteem. I don't feel worthy of anything. I am working on this cause I know I am someone and he and others have faith but my faith is shaky. I am a survivor and will be OK cause I have bills and college loans to pay. I can't depend on anyone again. I miss someone holding my hand but it is going to take someone special to hold it. I have learned to live half a life. Jar of Hearts is playing on Winc and I need to get ready for work.
Have a blessed day and thanks for reading. These words are true. I won't write anything that isn't but I know I put thoughts in my heads that maybe aren't real. But Mr. MAF always told me to keep it real and I did and what good did it do, I lost him anyway but I guess he got tired of me beating myself up but he drove me crazy. He was like hot and cold. One day wanted me and next day acted like get the hell away from me. Maybe I smothered him and was afraid if he was out of my sight that he was with someone else. He has the reputation has a ladies man and he loves the attention that women give him and well it hurt that others could hug him and love on him and he acted like he didn't want to be scene (I know not spelled write for what I am using it for) with me. Maroon 5 is playing. I am not streaming and can't remember the name but I think it is called this love. He said he would ride with me and 50-50. I thought he wanted me forever. I guess I live in world that believes in happy endings and true love.
Quote of the day " To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." UNKNOWN.
Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" Greatest air guitar song on the planet. Playing on WINC. I could use somebody but wont' be used by somebody again.
Linda
Not much going on in my LIFE. Life what does it mean to you? Well I am going to tell you what it used to stand for me but don't laugh. Well Ok go ahead and laugh. Before I tell you, Hootie and the Blowfish "Hold my hand" is playing on WINC. I am one of their biggest fans. I listen to them 24/7. Ok I do take breaks to do other things but you know what I mean. I have a radio in kitchen, car, bathroom, and bedroom and wink at work. I often feel like the songs are being played just for me. OK call me crazy. I have been told that before and that is another day and another story. Anyway my exboyfriend is Mr. MAF. We started dating on 20 Dec 08. I was separated and heading for divorce after the holidays. I think some of my famly members think that Mr. MAF caused the divorce. No he didn't. I was planning since 25 Nov 07 when I had Henry move out but had to wait a year since Kevin was still a minor. Well when 25 Nov 08 came around I thought Holidays are hard enough without having someone through divorce papers at you. I am not a mean person and am sensitive to peoples feelings unlike what some people might think. I was planning all along to file papers after the new year. I guess my kids weren't ready to hear in one conversation that i was dating a black man and filing for divorce. But what i don't understand, is when I called Brian (I started with him since he is he oldest) that he knew I was seeing a black man. I guess smalltown Front Royal. Anyway LIFE used to stand for L for Linda I for Irene F for Ford E for Everafter. I thought he wanted to marry me. We talked about it. People think I am to good for him. I am not to good for anyone but neither one of us is financially stable so if we get back together one of 2 things will happen. I will feel sorry and start paying for things I shouldn't or my family will lock me up. I know that is why they didn't want us together. I was paying for his bills and buying groceries, etc. I justified that I was semi living with him and needed to help. I was always justifying our relationship. I was the one that ended it after a year and half of ups and downs. He was good to me. I still love him and he says he still loves me but I know I got to move forward and not backwards and I tired him of me always beating up on myself. See I have very low self esteem. I don't feel worthy of anything. I am working on this cause I know I am someone and he and others have faith but my faith is shaky. I am a survivor and will be OK cause I have bills and college loans to pay. I can't depend on anyone again. I miss someone holding my hand but it is going to take someone special to hold it. I have learned to live half a life. Jar of Hearts is playing on Winc and I need to get ready for work.
Have a blessed day and thanks for reading. These words are true. I won't write anything that isn't but I know I put thoughts in my heads that maybe aren't real. But Mr. MAF always told me to keep it real and I did and what good did it do, I lost him anyway but I guess he got tired of me beating myself up but he drove me crazy. He was like hot and cold. One day wanted me and next day acted like get the hell away from me. Maybe I smothered him and was afraid if he was out of my sight that he was with someone else. He has the reputation has a ladies man and he loves the attention that women give him and well it hurt that others could hug him and love on him and he acted like he didn't want to be scene (I know not spelled write for what I am using it for) with me. Maroon 5 is playing. I am not streaming and can't remember the name but I think it is called this love. He said he would ride with me and 50-50. I thought he wanted me forever. I guess I live in world that believes in happy endings and true love.
Quote of the day " To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." UNKNOWN.
Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" Greatest air guitar song on the planet. Playing on WINC. I could use somebody but wont' be used by somebody again.
Linda
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Day 4 01 Jun 11
Good morning,
Today is my mom's birthday and the first in heaven. I am trying not to cry. I am trying to move on from the past. Not all of it because I have a lot of great memories but just the bad. Why do bad things happen to good people. I am not talking just about me but a lot of people out there. I think I am going to add to my blog a quote each day. I am going to keep this short today because I don't want to be late for work.
Quote of the day - "Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world." Eleanor Roosevelt
Today I will be my best friend, cause best friends you can count on. I have found there are people out there that will take advantage of your kindness or in my case let's call it dumbness but neither one of them were there for me when I needed them. Hint - neither one of them are on Face Book. Oh and I know there are lots others out there that will take advantage of people and shame on them. I hope to be able to trust again. I am working on this but I am afraid that even if I find love again that I may never fully trust them. Does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I should stay away from love? Life can be so lonely and confusing sometimes. I know I need to move forward and not back. I can't be with my ex boyfriend. He can't provide for himself let alone me too. I am not a gold digger but I can't pay my bills and his and neither of us have our own place. I should have never started dating him. Just because we have been friends since HS and he wanted to date me back then didn't mean that we could make it work. He confuses me and tells me he still loves me. I still love him too but love doesn't pay the bills. I used to think my family didn't like him because he is black. Maybe that is part of the reason but I know it really is because I was paying his bills and paying for most of the things we did and we used my car to go places. OK he didn't have descent vehicle. I got to move on from him. Judy tells me when I find someone I will be able too but what if I don't want to find anyone else.
Peace and love to all,
Linda
Today is my mom's birthday and the first in heaven. I am trying not to cry. I am trying to move on from the past. Not all of it because I have a lot of great memories but just the bad. Why do bad things happen to good people. I am not talking just about me but a lot of people out there. I think I am going to add to my blog a quote each day. I am going to keep this short today because I don't want to be late for work.
Quote of the day - "Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world." Eleanor Roosevelt
Today I will be my best friend, cause best friends you can count on. I have found there are people out there that will take advantage of your kindness or in my case let's call it dumbness but neither one of them were there for me when I needed them. Hint - neither one of them are on Face Book. Oh and I know there are lots others out there that will take advantage of people and shame on them. I hope to be able to trust again. I am working on this but I am afraid that even if I find love again that I may never fully trust them. Does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I should stay away from love? Life can be so lonely and confusing sometimes. I know I need to move forward and not back. I can't be with my ex boyfriend. He can't provide for himself let alone me too. I am not a gold digger but I can't pay my bills and his and neither of us have our own place. I should have never started dating him. Just because we have been friends since HS and he wanted to date me back then didn't mean that we could make it work. He confuses me and tells me he still loves me. I still love him too but love doesn't pay the bills. I used to think my family didn't like him because he is black. Maybe that is part of the reason but I know it really is because I was paying his bills and paying for most of the things we did and we used my car to go places. OK he didn't have descent vehicle. I got to move on from him. Judy tells me when I find someone I will be able too but what if I don't want to find anyone else.
Peace and love to all,
Linda
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