Day 7 04 Jun 11

Well I have almost made it through the day without crying or feeling hopeless and useless.  I know I am somebody and so is everyone.  He reminds me when he calls me that I am not junk that GOD doesn't make junk.  Why do I beat myself up.  Maybe cause I am not use to someone believing in me. My exhusband is great father and was  a good provider but he didn't give me what I need most.  Time and attention.  Neither cost him a penny.  I was most times like a single parent.  He worked to much and to hard most times.  I know that he thought he was doing what was best for the family.  It was hard going to school functions or things around town and have people say where is Henry?  I thought when we moved back to front royal in 2001 that things would get better for us. I know that working in management in Strasburg and a lot of the employees having kids our age and well let's just say small town shit.  Well it didn't get better and he was diagnosed with Chrohns in 2004.  I wish it would have been me that got it. I even told him that.  I knew he was the bread winner and most jobs I ever had up to that point didn't make enough money for even me to survive on.  He ended up losing his job that he worked so hard to get.  He moved up in the company and got his BS from Averett University.  How can a company turn their back on a hard working employee that gave them 25 years of dedicated service.  Anyway when he lost his job he lost his faith and confidence.  I did what I could to help.  Went to work fulltime but with the cost of healthcare it just wasn't enough.  to make a long story short. Our marriage fell apart in 2007.  No one can say that I was only after Henry's money because if that was the case I would have divorced him in  2005. His health is much better and he knows that I gave him a couple of chances.  He knows he needs to give his girlfriend time and attn.  He is doing a great job of it.  OK I am a little jealous but wouldn't take him back even if they broke up.  But a good note is that we are really good friends and that is a good thing.  No one can have to many friends. 

Anyway 2 years ago was not a good day for me.  Let's just say I had to fall hard and had to take a mini vacation to a local spot and work my way back home.  I almost missed Kevin's graduation because of this and I am trying hard to forgive myself for this.  I just wish someone would have recorded his graduation. I mean I was there but so tired and I felt like an angel looking down on his graduation. 

My kids are my world and never thought I would end up being a single parent for real.  I miss having someone to love.  I know I can do it on my own but it is really hard for me.  I can wish, hope, dream and want really bad but love doesn't pay the bills.  MAF knows that he can't give me what I need.  He still cares about me and me him.  Once in my LIFE always in my LIFE.  You can turn your back and walk away from me but that isn't me.  I will be there always for him and my exhusband. 

Blessings,

Linda

This video The Climb means a lot to me. I am still climbing and sometimes stumble and fall but get back up.  When i was on my mini vacation is when I first saw this video (Kevin told me to treat it like one and I felt bad cause I told him a vacation from HELL. The meds were having me talk that way)  He was just trying to make me feel better. It had to be hard on him finishing up his senior year and I wasn't there for him. 

Quote of the day "Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing, that we see too late the one that is open." -- Alexander Graham Bell