Day 5 02 Jun 11

Good morning,

 Not much going on in my LIFE.  Life what does it mean to you?  Well I am going to tell you what it used to stand for me but don't laugh.  Well Ok go ahead and laugh.  Before I tell you, Hootie and the Blowfish "Hold my hand" is playing on WINC.  I am one of their biggest fans.  I listen to them 24/7.  Ok I do take breaks to do other things but you know what I mean.  I have a radio in kitchen, car, bathroom, and bedroom and wink at work.  I often feel like the songs are being played just for me.  OK call me crazy.  I have been told that before and that is another day and another story.  Anyway my exboyfriend is Mr. MAF.  We started dating on 20 Dec 08.  I was separated and heading for divorce after the holidays.  I think some of my famly members think that Mr. MAF caused the divorce.  No he didn't.  I was planning since 25 Nov 07 when I had Henry move out but had to wait a year since Kevin was still a minor.  Well when 25 Nov 08 came around I thought Holidays are hard enough without having someone through divorce papers at you.  I am not  a mean person and am sensitive to peoples feelings unlike what some people might think.  I was planning all along to file papers after the new year.  I guess my kids weren't ready to hear in one conversation that i was dating a black man and filing for divorce.  But what i don't understand, is when I called Brian (I started with him since he is he oldest) that he knew I was seeing a black man.  I guess smalltown Front Royal.  Anyway LIFE used to stand for L for Linda I for Irene  F for Ford E for Everafter.  I thought he wanted to marry me. We talked about it.  People think I am to good for him.  I am not to good for anyone but neither one of us is financially stable so if we get back together one of 2 things will happen.  I will feel sorry and start paying for things I shouldn't or my family will lock me up.  I know that is why they didn't want us together.  I was paying for his bills and buying groceries, etc.  I justified that I was semi living with him and needed to help.  I was always justifying our relationship.  I was the one that ended it after a year and half of ups and downs.  He was good to me. I still love him and he says he still loves me but I know I got to move forward and not backwards and I tired him of me always beating up on myself.  See I have very low self esteem.  I don't feel worthy of anything.  I am working on this cause I know I am someone and he and others have faith but my faith is shaky.   I am a survivor and will be OK cause I have bills and college loans to pay.  I can't depend on anyone again.  I miss someone holding my hand but it is going to take someone special to hold it.  I have learned to live half a life.  Jar of Hearts is playing on Winc and I need to get ready for work.

Have a blessed day and thanks for reading.  These words are true.  I won't write anything that isn't but I know I put thoughts in my heads that maybe aren't real.  But Mr. MAF always told me to keep it real and I did and what good did it do, I lost him anyway but I guess he got tired of me beating myself up but he drove me crazy.  He was like hot and cold.  One day wanted me and next day acted like get the hell away from me. Maybe I smothered him and was afraid if he was out of my sight that he was with someone else.  He has the reputation has a ladies man and he loves the attention that women give him and well it hurt that others could hug him and love on him and he acted like he didn't want to be scene (I know not spelled write for what I am using it for) with me.  Maroon 5 is playing.  I am not streaming and can't remember the name but I think it is called this love.  He said he would ride with me and 50-50.  I thought he wanted me forever.  I guess I live in world that believes in happy endings and true love. 

Quote of the day " To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." UNKNOWN.

Kings of Leon "Use Somebody"  Greatest air guitar song on the planet. Playing on WINC.  I could use somebody but wont' be used by somebody again.

Linda