Day 12 08 Jun 11

Good morning,

 I am finding that being a single parent is lonely.  My kids are the best and have brought me lots of joy and I couldn't be more proud but they now have their own lives.  I don't know how to be anything but a mom and hard worker.  I guess when I get in a relationship I want to become a mother to the person and that is why I should probably just stay single the rest of my life.  I have a soft heart which is easily taken advantage of. If love finds me the man has to be financially stable. Not rich because I don't expect diamonds, trips or big house.  I don't think I would be happy with a man making a lot of money.  I don't know I guess I just want someone I can trust, depend on and wants to cuddle and hold hands.  I just want to find someone that likes the simple pleasures in life.  Like going to wine festivals, movies every now and then, take walks, drives in the country, spend time with family members.  Someone that is going to make me feel like the only girl in the world.  I need attention and will give attention back.  I will not settle for someone that doesn't want to be scene with me all the time.  (I know scene is suppose to be seen).  I have been trying to figure out something for 2 years and going crazy  trying to figure it out.  Kevin,  my youngest son, is taking a bow in his yearbook.  You know the senior superlatives.  Well he wasn't in drama and the girl was big into drama.  Also the night of the awards, he got a scholarship from VSB and the gentleman said that Kevin was going to change the world.  He changed my world cause he made my family complete, 2 boys and 2 girls.  You see Kevin was a surprise.  I was almost 5 months pregnant before I realized my belly was growing.  Amanda was still a baby herself and we had just moved into a new house and I had just started with the preschool.  I thought I was just tired cause of all of this.  When they told me I was having a little boy I was so excited.  I don't want Kevin to know this cause he is loved just as much as the rest even though he wasn't planned.  What is ironic is that I wasn't planned either.  Kevin and I are the youngest of the family.  My mom wanted a boy got another girl.  She cried at first but back then the loaded them up on meds to deliver so I never held it against my mom.  I know she loved me.  I do have lots to be thankful for.  I know I don't act like it sometimes.  I just sometimes feel like in the Katy Perry song Firework "buried 6 foot deep and no one hears a thing." Another thing I do is worry about everything and everyone.  I can't help it. It is in my DNA.  I worry that Kevin won't get the financial aid he needs.  I guess another loan won't break me but I worry that they will say no you already have loans.  I guess if I get turned down I could go to Henry's millionaire brother.  He may not like me but he shouldn't turn his back on his nephew.  He would rather see me and Henry live on the streets.  I wouldn't expect him to hand Kevin the money without him paying the loan back but he is so stingy with his money.  I would live on the streets before I would take a penny from him. 

Edwin McCain I will be is playing.  I will post it.  Now U2 beautiful day.  It is my ring tone.  My daughter Heather gave me the idea.  I am going to try to have a beautiful day and when I get down I will remember all the good things in my life and remember that I am a survivor and don't want to go back to that dark spot.  I will not let the devil take me down.  He doesn't want me happy and tried to destroy me more then once.  I will be the winner and come out on top.  Peace to all.

Linda

Quote of the day "Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use." -- Charles Schultz