Day 10 06 Jun 11

Good morning,

It is not always easy walking in my shoes but when I get down and feel lonely I just remember those that have no one to lean on or to love.  I wish and dream for love but I won't be taken advantage of again.  I believe in 50-50 in a relationship and keeping it real but doesn't that mean for both parties?  Yeah guys tell me that or that they will pay it all but then they find out I work for the Government and/or see the car I ride and cha ching they think MONEY.  I make a descent living but I will not hook up with a gold digging guy again. If I find love, I want someone who pays there on bills on time, can take me to dinner once in a while (I will gladly pay my own), maybe dancing and movies once in while.  I mostly just enjoy being at home watching TV or reading.  I am a homebody.  MAF seemed to be happy that we found each again after all these years and he used to go out Karoking just cause he was lonely and I thought that he wanted me around all the time.  OK I was afraid that if he went out at night with out me that he was running around.  I want to trust again and I know if I can't trust I shouldn't be in a relationship.  He is the football star of FR and all the women in town just fall over him.  Me I am someone who can go out and have no one even know who I am.  I am the one that could be in  a big crowd and walk away for hours and no one even notice I am gone.  I have proved this before when I was married.  There was a holiday function at Shen. Valley CC with the company my ex worked for.  He was in upper management and very popular and everyone just loved him,  Who could blame them, he gave them time and attention.  Anyway I would walk around the room with him but never could join in any conversations cause either they were talking about work or just talking about things that I didn't know about and even if I tried to speak, it was like no one could even hear me. Like the song from Katy Perry Firework ( oh and now Taylor Swift "You belong with me is playing") OK I will post this video so you can see that I am in love (I know i shouldn' be) with a former football star and he now coaches for the wildcats and I was to be the one in the stands cheering him and the Wildcats on. Please don't think I am crazy.  MAF was good to me.  He just never ever got a relationship right and I thought I would have been the one.  I still am hoping. More on that later.  I need to get back to the feeling that I could just disappear.  Anyway this was the last time that Henry and I went to a function for where he works (he had just found out he had crohns).  No one was talking to me and Henry was so wrapped up with everyone else that I just slipped away and went outside.  No coat and it was Christmas time.  I just walked around outside for about 1.5 hours.  I finally was so cold that I couldn't take it.  I went inside and went in the bathroom and sat in a stall for about 15 - 20 minutes to warm up.  Walked back inside the room and do you know that not one person even missed me.  Talk about wishing I could have just dropped of this earth.  My own husband didn't even miss me.  I felt like the biggest loser and just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but thought no one will hear me anyway.  I never told him about this. I knew that he was absorbed in self pity on himself for Chrohns.  That is why I wished it had of been me cause I could have handled it better then him and according to him all I did was take care of the house and kids and who would want someone with 4 kids and no job. I know deep down he didn't mean anything by it but it hurt and I don't think he realized how much he had hurt me.  I did work.  If you look at my fb account it will show you.  Up until I started working in NO VA I didn't make a lot of money.  Guys and girls too need to know that mental abuse is far worse then physical abuse cause.  Cuts and bruises heal over time but words cut straight through the heart and scare for life.  I know that I should have spoken up when my ex cut me down.  I really don't think he knew he was hurting me and I never was scared that he would hit me.  He is a good man and I hate myself for not speaking up.  He just worked so hard and long that when he would come home from work he would be tired and I guess I should have just let him alone and instead I would try to talk to him and I guess I would say things to make him talk down to me.  He knows he hurt me and I just wish he knew that I hate that our marriage fell apart and I know that we both are to blame.  I used to blame just me but it takes two to make a relationship and two to make it fall apart. 

I need love.  I don't mean love of my family and pets.  I need a love of a man.  I have so much love inside of me just slowly dying.  I want to love and trust again.  MAF told me he was always faithful.  I want to believe him but I don't.   I have run into too many scammers and scary people on dating sites.  Plus I have wasted a lot of money.  I am not having any luck with Plenty of Fish.  Maybe I need to redo my profile or maybe there are just too many women out there that have more to offer then me.  I just wish I knew what my competition is how many women versus men there are. 

Thanks for reading and comments either good or bad are always appreciated and welcome.  Questions too are welcomed to.

Peace be with you,

Linda

Oh and I know you are probably thinking that people think that i am a gold digger and I have men that gold dig to me.  Go figure.  What a crazy life I live.  If I were to write a book it would be a sleeper for sure. 

Quote of the day "There is nothing so stable as change."  Bob Dylan